Mommy Chain Letters

I have always hated chain letters. They're annoying--even illegal. But mommy chain letters take the cake. They try and capitalize on your inherent guilt as a mother to make you propagate the chain. Take the infamous "book chain letter." It promises that if you send just ONE book to the child listed in the letter, then make 5 copies of the letter and send it along to 5 other moms, your child will receive 36 new books.

At best, your child will receive 36 books he already has. At worst, you stand to lose either one or five friends. Your call. Let me explain.

If you don't do this, the mom who sent this to you will think you think you're too good for her lousy chain letter and, more, think your time is more valuable than hers. Plus, you will have denied her kid his 36 books. You think you'll have a playdate on Monday? No chance.

If you DO do this, the five busy moms you send the letter to -- 5 women with better things to do -- will similarly think you don't value THEIR time, will feel the conflict and guilt you felt, resent you for that, and, quite fairly, hate you forever. No more playdates Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday ...

Oh, and let's be clear: These books aren't meant for kids in townships. They're going to affluent Upper West Side toddlers with already extensive libraries whose moms would probably hail the first cab they could find to Pottery Barn Kids to secure appropriate shelving should 36 new books arrive at their doorstep.

Your first instinct, then, is to throw this dreadful thing away. Then you realize the person who sent it to you will be pissed off, their child will not receive the promised 36 books and you're denying your own progeny his books, to boot. Shit. You're off to the bookstore.

So, you go to the damn bookstore, stress over what kind of book this kid you never met before will like, rush to the office and realize you left the letter with his address at home. For days, letter and book never meet. In the meantime, you do something the person who sent this damn letter to you never did: ASK others if they'd be interested in participating in the book exchange. No one is. In fact, you get a taste of their wrath at the very prospect of being dragged into this morass.

So here you are with a $10 book, no UPS store near the office, so you need to use Fed-Ex 3 day (an extra $5) and you can't--nor do you WANT to share the nuisance/muster the 5 friends to send it to, which means that the son of the mom who sent it to you won't get his 36 books, anyway. She'll be pissed. Your daughter will get zilch. And you're out $15 bucks.

Join a library, ladies.